Fun things to do with Mom

There comes a time when you just have to hang out with mom. But what to do? You don't want to sit around the house and watch TV. You want to do something engaging.

THIS IS NOT A DATE.

Note that you are NOT ON A DATE WITH YOUR MOM.

This is crucial. Do not treat this like a date. Treat this as a friendly outing.

There are three classes of places: Date places, friend places, and in-between-unknown. Here is a small list to give you an idea of what is what:

Friend places - These are safe:

• The mall : plenty of escape routes
  
• Burger king drive-thru : windows open, public, goal-oriented
  
• Driving during the day : as above, very bright outside
  
• Bakery : very maternal atmosphere
  
• Grocery store : she must push the cart
• Department of Motor Vehicles (for license renewal) : very uncomfortable, terrible lighting
• Sporting event : lots of distractions, bad lighting, loud grotesque crowd
  

Date places - NOT SAFE, do NOT go here:

• Drive-in theatre : why don't you just lay together in a closet?
  
• Burger king, inside : tables are too close together
  
• Picnic in the park : too personal
  
• Driving at night : dim lighting, confined space
  
• Movie theatre : shared armrest, love-scene danger
  
• Mini Golf : invites the standing-behind-lesson scenario, dangerous
  

In-between-unknown - THESE ARE RISKY:
The zoo:

• often the animals will be having sex
• too much 'alone time'
• lots of children around

Driving at sunset:

• Soon will be night
• Sunset reeks of romance
• People driving beside you will think you're spending the night together

Rock climbing:

• A lot of sweating, grunting, gripping
• Terrible view "from below"
• Thrilling experience may lead to emotionally cathartic situations and bonding
  

Bowling

• Too much viewing-from-behind
• Might "share balls" -- creepy
• Both in rented shoes

Amusement Park

• Who pays admission?
• Who keeps the huge stuffed panda bear?
• Rides = close proximity and lots of physical jostling and body-part-heaving

With these tips in mind, you should be able to have a great, completely platonic trip out with your mother.

I enjoy being Surveyed

I enjoy taking surveys for corporations and marketers because I believe I have a lot of valuable information about their products. I recently completed a survey for Kashi -- a cereal company. They were kind enough to allow me to try some of their product, in volume. Naturally, I felt compelled to spend some of my time, answering their questions, so that they could better server the consumer, and make more money. Who wouldn't want to help?

They sent me what is called the "Kashi Welcome Kit" -- it included 18 boxes of cereal and about 400 coupons for Kashi Cereal; enough to last a lifetime... except that the coupons only last until December 31st. A couple months after receiving this kit, they call me and ask if I would take a survey. Do they even have to ask??

The online survey was extremely fun and rewarding. The anonymity provides a sense that you can bare-all. This is important, because honesty is hard to come by these days. I've included selected questions (the other questions were multiple-choice).

___

5. Please explain your opinion of the Kashi brand?

The cereal is quite delicious. The brand stands for all natural goodness. I crave Kashi all through the night. If you offer an intravenous version of Kashi cereals I would buy 10,000 litres and a small island on which to mainline said cereal.

Kashi brand cereal offers perhaps mankinds greatest use, so far, in the following areas:

• Oats
• Long Grain Brown Rice
• Rye
• Hard Red Winter Wheat
• Triticale
• Buckwheat
• Barley

And receives honorable mentions in the following categories:

• Clusters
• Nugat (this is thought to be an error)
• Crunch
• Staying-crunchy-in-milk

Kashi is noted for it's GOLEAN cereals; the name is both catchy, and a call to action: Perhaps the slothful, unkempt, and overweight community can remedy their ways one bowl at a time? Why not inject your morning with seven healthy grains and a positive outlook? There is no argument to be had; it's clear from first principles.

Some interesting statistics:

• 10% of my waking time is spent thinking and dreaming about Kashi cereal
• 20% of my time is spent being angry at the Kashi GOLEAN titans who have created the most perfect cereal, a cereal I could never create myself-- this serves to underscore my intense self-loathing, to the point that only obscene dionysian excess -- a bacchanal of seven grains and honey almond flax -- can remedy
• 20% of the sentences I utter can, on close reading, reveal a constellation of allusions and references to the Kashi Family Values; a core ethic of healthfulness and the value of work, exercise, and extremely toned thighs/abs/shoulders.

6. What would you say you like the MOST about Kashi GOLEAN cereal and Kashi GOLEAN CRUNCH cereal?

I like the feel of it. It has a great texture. The texture is a treat to behold. Each spoonful is akin to the plenty of Christmas. Chewing, as unwrapping.

It should be noted, as well, that even if I have to go to check the mail, or take a bath, when I return to my Kashi cereal, it will remain crunchy. It's hard to take that crunch away. Though, I should note, that I have been able to take it away. After boiling the cereal for 4 hours I was able to take the crunch right out of the cereal. I was vaguely disappointed, as a hunter who fells his prey is: the battle was over, in a way. The crunch was gone, as was the majesty.

If I put this out of my mind, it's clear to me that the crunch, and texture, still resound as one of the most positive aspects of the Kashi GoLean experience.


7. What would you say you like the LEAST about Kashi GOLEAN cereal and Kashi GOLEAN CRUNCH cereal?

I don't like that this isn't considered fine dining. I don't like that, if I go to, for example, une Restaurant Francais, I can't peruse the menu, and find, listed amongst the fois gras, and the pomme-de-terre, Le Kashi Vais-Petite, un cereal avec tres bon nuits et les Oats Brun.

I don't like that the government doesn't include Kashi Cereal amongst it's rations for the military. How can the military function without access to a suitable breakfast food? Indeed, it's more than a breakfast food: it's a breakfast lifestyle. More than a breakfast lifestyle, even: it's is a lifestyle that lasts all day. For a good Kashi breakfast pays dividends that last all through the day, well into the evening, and sometimes all the night through. Indeed, much more than a lifestyle: Kashi is life. Kashi cereal captures the core essence of all of life, human and otherwise, and will escort us to the pure enlightenment of existence.


14. Please explain why you have not purchased any Kashi cereal?

I have not purchased any Kashi cereal because I find myself at odds with its purchasability: surely something as essential as GOLEAN Crunch, like water, should be freely available? How is this crucial substance, like the air in my lungs, like the marrow in my bones, not being dispensed in the streets by massive, unstoppable trucks? Huge hoses, faucets, gushing with Kashi cereal, for all, for the ages. Up to your knees in six grains at Market Square, drowning in honey-almond-flax in Trinity Bellwoods. This is the life I imagine-- a life where nobody is prevented from enjoying Kashi.


24. Please explain how your influence played a role in their interest of Kashi products

Using methods that I learned in Germany, I instill the core corporate values of the Kashi brand in my subjects with great cunning, precision, and dexterity. Repetition, goal-provision, pavlovian-association, punishment/reward, deprivation, humiliation; these are part of my toolbox.

Generally in two-week sessions, the learning is complete, and the dedication to the brand insurmountable.


26. Please describe an occasion where you told someone about receiving your Kashi Welcome Kit and please also describe what their reaction was:

Having returned from an extended session at the gym, I towelled off and stared at myself in the mirror. "Excruciating punishment at the gym is the tax I pay for leading an unenlightened life," I tell myself.

It's generally here that I will recollect Kashi cereal, the wholesome lifestyle it encourages me to lead. I drop my towel and stand, nude, before my majestic wardrobe. I examine the garments, I touch the fabrics. I run my hands along fine silks, tweed, cotton, and occasionally polyester; but today is not a polyester day.

I select my finest silk hat and as presentable a suit as I can muster, as I'm meeting Dakota Bill on the riverboat Runaway Bride this afternoon. Back from a walleye fishing trip around Vienna, he's sure to have a story or two to tell; of the ones he caught, and the ones that got away.

Brushing my exquisitely dark hair, as it shimmers in the early morning sunshine, my glance is caught in the mirror by the talisman of my forefathers as it hangs behind me. It stars at me, a cyclops that stares of the fortunes of my ancestors, generations come and gone, and reminds me that life is both noble and temporary.

I meet him on the Promenade; we shake hands, we're excited. I'm trembling somewhat; a sick nervousness washes over me. We're being watched. More sure of it I've never been. Dakota always draws the eyes of onlookers, but this time, it's different.

As we lunch, he explains to me the real reason of his trip to Vienna. I listen, nod, and am trying to follow the web of political intrigue he spins. Names drop like angels during the apocalypse. Acronyms sputter out as a dyslexic stutterer's alphabet; I'm intrigued, perplexed, awash with guilt, envy, anxiety. Such it always is.

As the table turns to me, I ask him:

"You have life.. but do you live?"
"I make the attempt-- I make the attempt."
"Give me your hand"
He gives it, and I take it.
"I have to tell you something important. more important than Vienna. More important than Burma."

"So tell me." His hand grows colder; or so it seems.

"I have received something in the mail. It's the Kashi Welcome Kit. Kashi is a lifestyle brand, the jewel in their crown is the GOLEAN series of cereals. I have a welcome kit."

Silence. He motions to our server for more coffee.

"I have many boxes of cereal. I have coupon booklets: these booklets..they say things. Thing's I've never heard before. The cereal-- it's like.. like nothing else."

He stares off -- I can't tell if he's listening.

"It encourages a healthy lifestyle. The richness of the experience is unmatched: it's like Wagner in a bowl."

His head turns towards me. It tilts slightly. I've got his attention. He's curious.

With trembling hands, I draw up my aluminum briefcase. I stand it on the table. Keying in the password, I flick open the fasteners, and Kashi GOLEAN Seven Grain pour out on the table, the floor. Some make it into my water glass. Onlookers are agape. The server is aghast.
Silence.

Dakota picks up a single kernel. It appears to be Hard Red Winter Wheat. He places it between two of his molars, and crunches down.

An eternity passes. His expression doesn't change. He stares deeply into me, stabbing me. I look away, close my briefcase.

Another eternity.

"Well??" I entreat him. Say something. Anything.

Finally, he speaks:

"Incredible."


35. Do you have any final thoughts about Kashi, this programme, or anything else that you would like to share with us?

I am grateful that I have been included in this programme. Like anyone who witnesses a miracle, has a near-death experience, finds salvation, or is enlightened, the divine has spoken to me, and the name of God is Kashi. I pray, each night, whole grains in my fists, and I scream to the heavens. I chew, I scream, and I crunchily chew some more. I ceremoniously soak my bedsheets in milk. I fill my pockets with Kashi in the morning. My mind has found it's place; and it resounds, it has a name, and I speak it, again and again, the power and the glory, for ever and ever, Kashi.